Date: November 26th 2017. Engagement: 23 likes. Caption: "Loved my time at St Hernan ridge with the family, so excited for the next month of festive fun." See, even Ocasio-Cortez had a paltry online presence at one stage or another. Date: April 27th 2018. Engagement: 926 likes. Caption: "Every moment is an organizing opportunity, every person a potential activist, every moment a chance to change the world.”- Dolores Huerta. My wine is looking a bit pathetic, a small acidic sip left. I’ll just leave it I guess. I should get some water - isn’t that what Gwyneth Paltrow is always saying, stay hydrated? I wish I could make millions by telling a few million people to stay hydrated. Drink water! Do the most basic human instinct of all! Quench the thirst! Now please send money to my PayPal.
Sometimes I like to scroll down my own profile it as if I were someone else, seeing me as them and not as myself. Right now if I had a pound for every person that has liked my most recent post I would have a tenner. Maybe less if you count the bots. What can I get for a tenner these days? Well I could buy an imitation Jo Malone pomegranate candle from Asda with spare change to give to the drunk guy who asks me for 70p every-time I get off the 78 bus. I could put it in my savings account and inevitably have to pull it back into my standard account on the 26th of the month. I could buy some Glossier serum with a discount code, naturally.
10 likes? Really. I feel like the more I care the less everyone else seems to care. Like these women with their 100K followers who claim to ‘not care about instagram…I am more than my following…I don’t think about it very much’. Well then why is everything all colour and tone co-ordinated with perfect whimsical captions and a candid picture with all the brands tagged? I swear some people were put on this earth to professionally gaslight us all. Maybe that’s what I can do with my £10. I can DM one of these women and pay them £10 to let me watch their instagram process. It mustn't take more than 5 minutes if they are so naturally ‘just so’. That’s a solid rate. Maybe they could add that to their revenue stream along with their book deal, podcast, brand endorsement, charity activist work and woke event hosting roster.
SPON: Watch me be naturally perfect. £10 per session. DM me for details
Refresh, another like. I remember a few years ago I used to get like 200 likes a post. Have I become less interesting, less likeable? I certainly am starting to like myself much less through this process. It’s like whenever I try to play tennis - there is this court in Tanner Street park where I like to go and pretend I'm 1990's Billy Crystal. I know how to hit a ball, hold the racket. I know which line does what but I don’t know the exact upswing I need to skim the ball right over the net. Everything I do is somehow clumsier, bulkier more try hard than everyone else's. I know the rules of the game but I don’t know how to play.
Oh christ not more baby photos. Mute.